After a harrowing day trying to get my cell phone to work, the taxi to find the right address and my credit card to be usable in Europe I am finally on a flight to Spain. After months, years of bridled grief, anguish, suppressed anger morphing into layers of guilt, disappointment and emptiness at losing a loved one I reached my threshold of pain. It was a point of exhaustion and I felt mentally, physically and emotionally disconnected. How does a volcano form? In my case all those emotions kept bubbling up to the surface eventually threatening to unleash its wrath. And finally this year those emotions started pushing through, shooting up in bursts, simmering under the surface ready to explode. I paid attention this time and knew I needed to make a shift. Someone once said the universe tries to tell you when something is wrong and you will not be at peace until you find your way. It was time to listen and to change.
I slowly started breaking the chains that bound me and tried to create some space so I could learn to hear my voice. I hadn’t done that from the moment tragedy struck and I’ve been running away from myself ever since. I now see the value of being still and taking the time to heal. I found yoga and mindfulness meditation to be two very calming practices that I started reaping benefits from instantly.
Traveling alone, exploring the new had always excited me. I used to feel happy, adventurous with all my senses alert and not wanting to miss a thing, to savour every second. But today the very thought scares me. Traveling solo was never meant to be like this for me. But here I am. I need to break that barrier of fear and set myself free. I don’t expect to have a huge epiphany while I am away. All I am trying to do is to step in the direction to grieve, to accept, let go and reconnect with that part of me that was truly alive. Soul searching on a trip yonder is so cliche, but then some cliches are cliches for a reason. Traveling in my opinion is the most wonderful way to reach into your soul as you reach out to the world.
