It’s a new dawn or something for me. I’ve been purposefully moving towards fulfillment and happiness for myself. Most of my 20’s and 30’s was mired with strife, confusion, and loss. I had to do some serious adulting and growing up too fast. I don’t believe I really had the luxury of being a young girl focused on herself thinking about a career or life or wants and needs. Something I think every coming-of-age adult should have the freedom to experience. But life, for most rarely happens the way you would ideally like it to happen. I mostly reacted and made the best of the circumstances and I mostly tried to keep others happy while juggling to keep myself happy and I wasn’t at peace for a long time. I can cry you a river, but my sister didn’t even get to live beyond 24 and that too after a very painful few years so who am I to complain. She lived a hell of a life the time she did though. It was the way it was. I’m a little sad for the two young girls at times but I’m also grateful for all we had and more importantly I’m not bitter.
So, the dawning has been upon me for some years now. And I’d be remiss if I did not say it was a village that got me here. My parents, my husband, my friends, therapy all had a part to play. They weren’t always right, and neither was I but over time we’ve learned, my partner and I that the best way to feel alive and happy is to make sure you don’t depend on anyone or anything for it. A seemingly simple but extremely complex lesson to learn. And one that you are always re-learning. But ever since I had decided to just go for it, whatever it was that made me happy without forsaking my responsibilities towards my children, who I feel fully responsible for, a fiercely joyful energy had started taking shape in me. I’ve always been a voracious reader but over the past few years I’ve channeled it into really digging deep for meaning. Meditation, nature, music, purpose and valuing my authenticity has been paramount. I surrounded myself with more of what makes me happy and doing more of what makes me happy and it’s been revolutionary. Not long ago I also started working with the most phenomenal life coach who helped strengthen and guide me to be my truest self and it has been the most rewarding experience of my life.
I’ve always been a bit of a renegade in how I think. Not many people would think so as I’ve still been relatively stable and act within the bounds of ‘society’ and norms. But I am a contradiction, and people who really know me well and are some of my closest confidantes will attest to that. No one more so than my husband who grew with me on this journey. We’ve learned to build a bond that isn’t suffocating and demanding but filled with love and harmony. We’re far from perfect but we’re a team. It is one of my most precious treasured relationships. And our beautiful kids. We wish for them an unfettered joy and a love and tenderness of self, to live without fear and to always know not to hold on to anything too tight. My biggest lesson has been that. To let go and when you do things come to you in their purest of forms and you enjoy it for what it is. And you live beautifully like a song that floats into space and lingers but isn’t any one place or within any one thing.
And so, my prayers if we must call it that have morphed to something divinely simple. May I never forget this gift of life and never hold on to it so tight, that I fail to enjoy it. My mother always said to let go of expectations and I heed her advice today as I continue to meander through. It’s not aimlessly, it’s without expectation and with being and that makes all the difference.
