Just got back – after a whirlwind series of trips. T’was solo Barcelona in August, then the family trips – Charlotte in September, home alone with toddler in October, Austin, Charlotte, India in November. India was a blast what with a wedding and innumerable parties, trips, dancing, eating, shopping and now we’re back. But it was also dizzying. The same gutless empty feeling filled me up as I got caught up again in countless shopping trips quickly discarding the newly learned concepts of slowing down. The single thought of ‘you won’t be able to when you’re back’ pressing me on despite the nagging feeling of my soul slipping into the trenches of meaningless materialism trumping all the happiness and satisfaction of being with family back home as I trudged on feeding my greed, disgusted, disappointed and propelling myself forward with what must be opium like highs – the instant gratification of shopping, of seeking something to constantly fill my space. This is more than buyer’s remorse – I knew it while I was doing it. I didn’t stop, I kept on hoping the empty feeling would go away and it only grew. I grew aware of this after I became a mom, in my post about NY and then on my last India trip. And yet it hadn’t hit home hard. The feelings lingered when I came back. They resurged every time I went to the mall here, or piled on more things to do, places to go, akin to breaking out in hives, a strange anxiety and yet I continued on. This last experience however has left me with such a loathing that I think I’m done. I’ve turned the corner. I had been plagued by the feeling of ‘the fear of missing out’ hence the hoarding with no pause. It’s time to purge and to pause.
I’m a sucker for New years resolutions. I’ve done them every year since I can remember. It only took me some 15 years to get to the weight I’ve wanted to but I believe it’s because of the consistent whisperings of the promises I make each year in my dog eared diaries. Of the less than 25% they say who keep their resolutions I consider myself to be one of them. So I will be writing some down this year – call them lofty goals or just ideas in a constant state of evolution, I believe in them and their power to help me be better, do better, feel better. Over the years they’ve changed, from coveting possessions to finding peace. And this time of year feels to me like the cozy nook where you can get lost in your thoughts or in a book, where the passage of time is not intimidating but pleasant, peaceful and calming. This time of year lets me pause to purge.