After a few days of unheard of sweltering heat for a New England summer followed by pouring rain all the way through the 4th of July today was a gorgeously beautiful day. The sun was perfectly illuminated without being blindingly bright. A few white clouds and clear blue skies with a hint of just the right amount of breeze and enough chill in the air making it a spectacularly splendid day to be on the coast in Cape Cod.
This was my vacation before a tough twenty months starting in August, of my own choosing, to go back to school part time and immerse myself in learning and embracing all the rigors of exams and late nights and non-stop pace that comes with higher education. I was on holiday with my family all of last week and since we love road trips, we visited the Acadia National Park, a five hour drive from our friend’s place, and took in the scenic vistas and hikes. The kids as most kids strangely do especially loved their long hours in the evening into the night at the hotel pool. You can take them to Heaven and they’d only approve of it if there’s a pool! We then moved on to enjoy our stay with my best friend’s family at their new home in the prettiest little town next to a beach. After a few fun filled days of catching up, board games and togetherness we took a trip down memory lane in one of my favorites cities’ – Boston. We walked everywhere around the city and stayed at our friends’ North End flat that they offered up so graciously to use when in town. We met my husband’s cousin and niece and toured the city more and finally settled in at my cousin’s place spending time with her two beautiful little daughters. We are still in Massachusetts this week but we drove down south and I’m now working in the most peaceful settings thanks to our lovely hosts, my husband’s best friend’s parents, in the Cape.
And yet despite all of the cheeriness of the reunions of the last few days and today’s seemingly impeccable weather there was a melancholy wrapping around me that wasn’t easy to shake off. I’m staring out at the large trees swaying about in the breeze through the fancy French windows in front of me from across the room comfortably lounged in a deep green leather armchair by the desk resting my legs on the large footstool by the sturdy dark mahogany desk. Lamps with ornate slim legs and large shades are atop the desk and in my purview. A checkered beige brown, red and green blanket is warming my feet while I contemplate life and work.
If I lean my head some to the left I can look out at the lake. Two white empty Adirondack chairs are carefully appointed on the manicured lawns for the best views. I’m not sure why I’m writing. I should be working or I should be happy and I’m not doing either. I’m not lazy or restless. Just paused, just resigned.
This place and our hosts were a big part of his childhood. My husband’s best friend, his brother, my husband were together here as kids and adults for vacations and thanksgivings and I was here too to holiday and then to celebrate at their engagement party. And since then I haven’t been back. And in all this time he had his tragedies and now he is no more. Just like that. I thought about last week’s news of a distant relative who died unexpectedly – two boys and a young wife, one moment in the ER and the next gone. I remembered my sister and another dear young uncle who died too soon. I’m not really morbid or searching for a reason to be sad. I’m not even sad I think. I’m just paused and thinking. Life is a cruel mistress. I’m trying to be sanguine as it is my holiday, this is my vacation but glimpses of life’s fickleness like an instagram reel surfaces all around me in short quick bursts and makes me mull over the delicate balance we all take so much for granted. Life’s capricious nature lies naked in front of me, precariously dangling and taunting me.
Not the best time to pause and think about life’s deep meaning and course correction is it? I’m less than a month away from starting school. But then again, it is why I want to go to school. It’s not a sacrifice. It’s something I am fervently waiting to do, eagerly looking forward to – the team, the class, the school spirit, the reading, the writing and exams and the professors – oh to learn again and the privilege to be able to study again!! No, I don’t regret it and there’s no need to correct anything on this course.
The rest of it – I want to keep writing and read a lot, and meander through the woods and immerse myself in nature and travel slowly and grow with my kids slowly and look out the window like this at swaying trees. I want to quite literally watch my garden grow and enjoy again literally the fruits of my labor.
Living in the now – I want to be prepared and prepare my children for life, for it is ephemeral and wanton in its ways and I don’t want us to ever take it for granted or get flopped about and thrown to the winds – or if we do get flopped about I want us to know we will land and it will be hard but as long as we are alive we should live it and do so fully.
